00 :: boy's god

you put me on a table, you walk into the bathroom, you need to piss. i am naked. i stretch, my whole body is shudders and aches and i am given over to a kind of tumbling. i am on the table but clinging, my spine moved dumb and blurry, my spine moved like after-images in your eyes, slow to fade and then: your things are all over, the floor is an ocean of garbage and i am only aware of a feeling in myself, i am clinging to not falling and my head’s all messed up, an echo, distant and bouncing around something empty. my head like heads washing up on the shore, travelling on waves, and as quickly as they appeared they are swallowed back into the wash.

i wish my body were exploded and remade, a jellyfish, a rose floating on top of the ocean. i wish my body rippled and undulated, my testes polyps, my spine a tendril and my hair dangling all netted.

each gonophore i drop, a new boy, he washes onto the shore nude and alive. something hurts the way a headache does, when i move it moves inside me, like it’s becoming, from rays of sound and pain into something defined, like musculature seen in the dark, a glinting thing, and it blurs again, all sense i could make of it emptied from me. this is another kind of ejaculation.

each minute, the new boys disappear. each boy lasts long enough to keep my chest burning, hot like something i need to escape from, i’m coiled around myself, i’m trying to tear through something stuck to me, and where i dig at my chest they only flow out of me.

every boy is wrong. every boy’s stacked up in a pile, every boy’s thin legs turn to kindling and they’re so faint you can’t even smell their odour while they burn. i fall. i want to see blood stain walls and fabric, i want to see myself fade into the environment, explode out into something like a cathedral, a holy open ribcage on all your trash. i kick my legs around, plastic things scatter, something stabs me a little, my head hurts, i don’t ever wonder where you are. i think about how i don’t want you to ever stop pissing or taking dick pills or putting a condom on. i am alone with my prick, there’s something warm around my head, i’m a little island in the warm sea, i’m with my boys, i’m fading into them, soon, i’ll be overrun with warmth.