the sea speaking through one hundred men, frothy whitecaps, one hundred ejaculations across me, a screen, a hundred clouds leaking all over. knock kneed, i ejaculate on my belly, the murky overcast all in my cameras, as far away from the swirling stinking excrement as i am from rainclouds. i cannot drink from them, their salt nowhere near me, i eat myself, chlorine in a pool, i remember piss-soaked pool-water and how everyone drank from the same cup our bodies bathed in and we swam in one another, a quiet trust in the sharing of flavors, blind to who is tasted where, we all become some sprawling filth. as lovers drink sweat we devour every odour of everyone, and in this we shade ourselves in the acknowledgement of the embarrassment of our lives. trapped nude in a screen, i am only just perfect and clean.
if i drank them, if i touched them, i could pretend to know them. they all give me some money, they are all pixelated and eyeless masses, fleshless,. they say i’m a good boy for showing them my pearl of an asshole, for wearing the clothes they like. like a nude in an open casket i sit catatonic under all their eyes, my cock shrinking. a corpse in the jaws of life, i feel myself twisting around my ribcage, sinew growing wrong, ejaculate drying: what are the insides of a doll.
(15 dollars and i’ll gape for you)
it’s easy to make an account because they nvr check if the info. how old r u again? that’s fine lol. no really, it’s great like, you can buy so much stuff. hey, is my cock all ur okey w/ in ur ass or can u go bigger? u fisted yourself before? what a sizequeen. lol. did it make u cum? can u tell me about it? i’m kinda horny yeagh lol. guys are into jerking off together now it’s kind of cute. u never see them touch eachother, u never see a lot either it’s like, they’re blurred out. so u don’t come after them. and too like, the bars u get broadcast to, if u opt into that, which is really cool , u get like, displayed on this big ipad thing and like, they can interact with u that way, and u just lay down and look up at them and fuck urself or wahtrever, they nvr tell u what bar ur being connected to. do u wana vc and jack off together i’m rlly kinda horny lol. ok nvm mom’s home lol.
(20 dollars and i’ll say your name when i cum)
when i think about murder i think about chains, when i think about murder i put my fingers inside myself and search around under where my cock is, deep in my flesh, a weapon for my liberation hidden beneath my prick, under a button i press on, i moan, i search, i moan, my intestines seeming for brief flashes like metal hidden deep inside me, my body a package only for a sudden explosion of violence and i fire without light, stickiness in the dark, under no eye.
when i think about murder i think about barbed wire and cuts along the mouth, a body rattling and failing to escape, as the wire coils inward and recursive. i bend my back, inward, my lips wrapped around myself, i suck. myself, an instrument only for cruelty, teeth brushing my head, my bottom portion placed on top in the reordering of my body, my sharpness glides outwards, nails and the angles of my elbows and knees, rattling in unseen wind, my night’s breeze all through me, i am rattling metal, a barbed and tumbling creature, and as my cock slips along my tongue and deeper still, my second half guides me, my disorderly underside, pale white and unclothed, hairless and hot with lust for my throat, i dribble down along my tongue, a sewer pipe leaking, i feed on myself and unfold, still there with my small head and his one eye peering down, he throngs tears across my cheek and lips and chin.
when i think about murder i think about the scissors i cut my hair with, silver and without guards, my hands lightly trickling down, the lazy warmth of blood a rosary, i hold my prick, and tug as if a blade will emerge from me, a dagger to de-vein and disembowel my lovers and compatriots, these strangers, the weak things in the screens, every sticky wet and humid atmosphere in each body released into a vapor by my hand forming a cloud of the apocalypse, and i under it, gutting myself.
what happens next fades into my ejaculate, the ocean’s spit in my hand, deep enough i could fall into it, warm like a body.
the air conditioning comes on, i lie down. i lie down, i put my fingers on the wall and rub it like a thigh.
(50 dollars and i’ll suck on the dildo i put in myself)
A machine moving/turning slow-like. I feel the gears rolling like pronounced eye rolls. My hand is on metal and the metal is warm. My prick is upright and I feel myself and only myself where I am. I sit in front of the thing and look in its mouth and it spits funny pictures out at me. I am entertained. I find it strange that I am entertained and can think: I am entertained and I am finding it strange I am finding it strange and it goes on like that and it’s a while before I realize my prick is hard. I touch it and all I feel is the blood and the vessels and myself. I feel myself all over, tender and sore everyplace. The thing is grinding still and I don’t want it to shut up. It’s all that’s not me in here. I say: show me somebody. It does what I ask after 15 minutes of nothing going on. When nothing happens I feel near to total 0. I am 1. After that is 0. I feel it very solidly. It wasn’t like that before.
There are people in a picture. Four of them and I don’t know any. I put the picture down. I decide it’s my family. I ask to feel like there are people near me. The machine opens up and voices and fingers come out and static faces hang in the air and I can hear so many thoughts. None of them are interesting really. It’s background noise. My prick is hard looking at my family. I jerk off. It feels warmer in here than it did a minute ago and my heart feels funny like it’s still too slow.
Warmth goes away. It’s normal now and I make the voices mute with a little slider. I watch a video completely in silence. I listen to music. I roll around on my back and try to notice any feature. There isn’t anything anywhere. I say the alphabet three times. The machine spits funny pictures at me. I laugh. I can’t remember what I look like. My smile goes away and I’m still laughing. It’s not funny and I’m laughing. My body is waiting for something to happen. I poke and prod and hit myself. I am bored. I roll around some more. I say: machine, what are the symptoms of autism. I read about autism. I wonder if I’m stimming. I run into a wall and don’t get hurt. All I can do is cum and laugh. )
i bought a cute locket 2day. i luv luv luv it, it’s a locket thingy , shaped like an heart. idk wha t to put in it, u put stuff in them right. i bought some pills thru that girl u messed with that thime, with all the fent on her floor lol. i met a weirdo, u might like him, his name name is **** and u would like him def, he’s one of those quiet guys, he pays and stuff, he says he thinks he should “gaymaxxx” or something ??? u wanna meet him? wwow, epic.
(80 dollars and i’ll cum in a condom and put it inside myself and push it out and eat it)
he says: you’re like a faggot, right?
i say: i guess.
he says: ok. i guess it’s obvious. you’re a man in a skirt.
i say: ok.
he says: why don’t you do makeup.
i say: it’s a drag.
he says: can i see your penis.
i am soft before him, i try to move it around, i try to touch him, he is like a lamp or a paring knife, his point forever away from me, nothing to wish against or for. i touch his thigh like i touch a wall and i uncover the kind of remote he is, i’m drowned in the appearing and disappearing faces of drywall patterns. we are both soft. the daylight in his room is blurry and there are shadows like eye floaters across his room. i sit in the center of one, it’s safe like an egg.
(i sold 15 videos last night. they were of me being fucked by another guy who sells videos and he was too hard and made me do poppers. the people who pay me the most on the website message me and tell me they liked how much i looked hurt when he thrusted into me at 7:43 and also 16:12. they like how useful my sex is to them. watching the stranger fuck me i did not grow hard, but watching steam dissipate after a shower i found something in its voluptuity and waste of itself, spending itself into oblivion, streams like cum evaporating, i found myself wanting to fuck the holes it bored in itself, the caverns of light, i a small solar worm crawling into gusts of vapor, and i laid on tile hard and wet like musculature bathed in sweat and jerked myself until crying. my remoteness a small island, locked up and watched by god and holy usefulness.)
he says: i will fuck you now.
i say: you’re not hard.
he says: i’m trying.
i take him in my mouth and he takes himself out. i hold him and he places my hand in my lap. his hands are like little cheap motorized toys, tiny and weak.
i say: put it in soft.
he says: i can’t get hard because this isn’t like the videos i watch.
i say: put it in soft.
he says: what? that’s not possible.
i say: put it in soft.
his hand is on my ass, spreading me open, and he is inside.
he says: this is ok i think.
his prick a switch to a light judged useless. us both soft, he lays inside me, and i lay against him, unmoving, the blurry light makes everything outside look like a picture ten years ago and we lay here forever and in contact doing nothing going nowhere and when it’s not forever anymore and my prick rises up against my belly and his eyes are closed, i slither him out of me, and finally myself there, exploding like a sun’s last second, kiss him, his skin, bathe him in wanton pecks and, with my prick, thrust through his eye, and, his gentle body, unscreaming, alive almost and dead almost, moving with me, he finally grows hard too.
he says: i can’t see.
i say: it’s so dark in here and the moon is out.
his hair is spiky with blood, i ejaculate across his brain, his bed soiled with his cock’s phlegm, i lick it, i defenestrate him, holding onto his hand until his weight parts us.